Tea, old stories, and photo albums
It's been almost three decades that I've been interviewing elders, helping them tell their story and family history, recording it all and putting it into books and movies that are destined to inspire their great grandchildren. There is nothing I would rather do than sip tea and listen to old stories and flip through photo albums!
Interviewing is an artform, especially in the realm of life stories and family history. It's even more delicate (and potentially rewarding) when interviewing someone who has dementia or had a stroke.
Interviewing an older adult about their life can be one of the most meaningful conversations you will ever have. When that person has experienced a stroke or lives with dementia, however, the process requires a different approach. The goal is not to conduct a fast-paced interview or extract perfect historical facts. The goal is to create a safe space where memories can surface in their own time.
With patience, the right prompts, and careful listening, you can help remarkable stories emerge—stories that might otherwise remain hidden.
Start With Comfort, Not Questions
Before the interview even begins, focus on comfort and trust. Someone who has experienced a stroke or cognitive decline may feel embarrassed about struggling to find words. If they sense pressure, their anxiety will often make memory retrieval harder.
A relaxed environment makes an enormous difference.
Choose a quiet place without background noise or distractions. Sit at the same level rather than standing over them. Make eye contact and speak slowly without sounding patronizing. Most importantly, make it clear that there is **no rush and no right or wrong answers**.
Often the first few minutes should be casual conversation rather than formal questions. Talk about the weather, the room you are in, or something visible nearby. This helps the person settle in and signals that the conversation will move at their pace.
Use “Memory Zingers” to Spark Recall
When memory has been affected by stroke or dementia, broad questions like “Tell me about your childhood” can be overwhelming. The brain often needs a small spark or trigger to unlock larger memories.
This is where “memory zingers” come in.
A memory zinger is a specific sensory or contextual prompt that can trigger recall. Instead of asking a general question, you offer something concrete that may stimulate a connection.
Examples include:
- “Did your family have a radio in the house when you were young?”
- “Do you remember what kind of car your father drove?”
- “Was there a bakery or grocery store in your neighbourhood?”
- “What did your school lunch smell like?”
These kinds of prompts work because memory is strongly tied to sensory experiences—smells, sounds, places, and objects. A simple detail can suddenly unlock a story that seemed inaccessible just moments before.
Photos, music, and familiar objects are also powerful zingers. A picture of a childhood home, an old song from their youth, or even the name of a street can activate memories that are otherwise difficult to reach.
Ask One Question at a Time
After a stroke, language processing can be slower. With dementia, working memory may be limited. Long or multi-part questions can quickly become confusing.
Instead, ask one simple question at a time.
For example, instead of saying: “What was your first job and how old were you and what did your parents think about it?”
Break it down into sequential questions:
- “What were your earliest jobs?”
- “How old were you?"
- “What kind of work was it?”
Short questions are easier to process and allow the person to focus on one memory at a time.
Let Silence Do the Work
One of the biggest mistakes interviewers make is filling every pause.
When interviewing someone with memory or speech challenges, silence is not a problem—it is a very useful tool.
After asking a question, give the person time to search their memory. That process can take longer than most people expect. If you jump in too quickly with another question or suggestion, you may interrupt the very moment when the memory was about to surface.
Count to ten in your head if you have to.
Often you will see subtle signs that the person is thinking: their eyes shift upward, they look off to the side, or they quietly repeat part of the question. These are signals that their brain is working.
If a memory appears, the story may come out slowly. Resist the urge to rush or correct them. Your role is not to control the conversation but to hold the space for it.
Listen More Than You Speak
In these conversations, listening is far more important than asking questions.
Real listening means paying attention not only to the words but also to tone, emotion, and body language. Sometimes a person may struggle to find the exact word but still convey the feeling behind the memory.
When that happens, gentle encouragement can help:
- “Take your time.”
- “I’m listening.”
- “That sounds important.”
- "Tell me more about that."
If a story becomes fragmented, you can gently reflect what you heard:
“So you were working at the store when you met him?”
This type of reflection helps the person stay oriented in the story without making them feel corrected.
Follow the Emotion
Memory may become fuzzy over time, but emotional memories often remain strong.
If the person becomes animated or expressive about a topic—perhaps a job, a place, or a person—follow that thread. Emotional engagement can help unlock additional memories connected to that feeling.
A simple follow-up like *“What did you like about that?”* can lead to richer storytelling than sticking rigidly to a prepared list of questions.
Accept Imperfection
When interviewing someone with dementia or post-stroke communication challenges, the goal is not perfect chronology or flawless detail.
What matters most is capturing the essence of the person and their life experiences—their personality, humour, values, and the moments that mattered to them.
It's quite normal for a story to come out in pieces or in reverse order. Sometimes a detail may be slightly off. That is okay. The interview is about honouring the person’s voice, not conducting a courtroom cross-examination.
The Gift of Being Heard
For many elderly people, especially those coping with cognitive decline, the opportunity to share their memories can be deeply meaningful. Being listened to patiently and respectfully affirms that their life story still matters.
When you combine thoughtful memory prompts, patience with silence, and genuine listening, something remarkable can happen.
A person who seemed unsure or quiet at first may begin to recall stories, laughter, and moments that bring their past vividly back to life.
And in that moment, the interview becomes more than a conversation.
It becomes a way of preserving a lifetime.
I am extremely grateful for each second I get to spend with elders, helping them remember and voice their stories...with recorders and cameras rolling. I always learn something about life from them and each human has something unique and special in them. I love capturing that!
If you have the chance to interview and elder, perhaps your parent or grandparent or an aunt or uncle, don't pass it up. You can do it!
But if you can't, reach out to me to set up a free consultation. I can interview folks inperson and also online, anywhere in the world.